Where do I even begin? A lot has gone on, but at the same time, it doesn’t seem like much at all.
My best friend came to visit at the beginning of the month for two weeks and it was great. We actually did some stuff while she was here…not much, but it was something. Usually we don’t go anywhere and I always feel horrible about that. I also feel bad that while she was here, she got a peek into what my everyday is like. While my mother kept her comments to herself most of the time, we still argued. However relaxing the atmosphere was during the day instantly changed the moment my mother came home and it was very difficult to work on anything and even focus. There were also moments where we were too scared to go in the kitchen and get something to eat, so we just stayed hungry. I do that quite often. Things were just quiet after she went home, but it didn’t take long for my mom to open the dam on her criticism.
In a previous post, I mentioned that I am perpetually exhausted and I still am. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get or how well I actually rested, I always wake up feeling as if I haven’t slept in days. According to my fitbit, I had actually gotten over nine hours of sleep last night, but I woke up feeling as if I had stayed up for the past week. There are some days where I feel narcoleptic because I will randomly fall asleep anywhere in the house at randoms times. Even when I’m leaning against the wall or island in the kitchen. I keep chalking it up to being my extreme stress and anxiety. While my best friend was here, she only saw a glimpse of my anxiety when I shrugged her off (I feel horrible about that). A typical and normal day for me is having at least three anxiety attacks a day. Each one worse than the last. I would go to the doctor, but I don’t have insurance and I don’t have the money for it.
Lately, I have been feeling like I am less than myself. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but there are days where I feel like I’m less than a lesbian simply because I have dated guys in the past to hide who I really was. I wear my pride bracelet whenever I’m out and I try to keep it visible, but the clasp is weird and it falls off a lot. I feel that people instantly see me as being less than a lesbian because they see me with my daughter. I know for a fact that my family doesn’t think I’m a lesbian because I’m a mother. My own mother told me to my face that I’m “just a slut that doesn’t want to take responsibility for opening my legs for a bad guy and I’m just following a trend”. I wish I was making that up. Maybe I’m just feeling defeated. I know I’m a lesbian, I’ve known since I was young and have hid behind a mask most of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I should just put that mask back on…I already wear one to hide my anxiety and depression. I think part of it stems from not feeling like I’m worth anything, which might be why I give so many gifts, or try to. I feel like I don’t have anything of myself to give because I’ve lost so much. I run myself into contradictions where I want to be held and loved again, to know that I am still worthy of it…but at the same time, I absolutely hate being touched and I’m terrified to open myself up to anyone. Not just for myself, but for my daughter. I don’t want to be the parent that brings people into their child’s life and removes them just as quickly. If I bring someone into my life, I want it to be someone who is ok with being a parent figure and is patient with me. I’m terrified of that because I’m scared that person both exists and doesn’t exist. If they exist, I’m scared I won’t be enough for them.
I’m such a mess…
Ok, happy thoughts.
Um…oh! I perfected my puppy chow recipe today. It’s amazing. I had to put it away because I was going to make myself sick eating it. I completely ignore the typical ingredient measurements given on any recipe card and do my own thing. First off, I use the entire box of cereal and then take two whole bags of Dove milk chocolate and melt those down with an entire cup of creamy peanut butter, a quarter of a stick of melted butter, a gentle splash of vanilla extract, and just a drop of rose water. I love clumps in my puppy chow, so this was perfect. Especially when I split the mix into two bags for the powdered sugar, which I don’t measure. I just dump in a little at a time until it’s covered. The cereal maintains its crunch and YUM! The whole process takes between a half hour to an hour, including prep time. I take my time because until I get a real confectioner’s double boiler, I use a shallow pan on a pot. If I tried putting all of the chocolate and other ingredients in at the same time, it would overflow, so I do it a little at a time. I would love to be able to give it to my daughter’s school, but they don’t allow that. If you want to bring in something, it has to be bought with a full list of ingredients to be safe, which I fully understand.
I love baking and making candy. I took off the entire month of April from school and I plan on making a bunch of cherry blossom chocolates for my daughter’s birthday. Unfortunately, the Cherry Blossom festival is being bumped up, so it won’t coincide with her birthday because of the weather. I mean, it’s February and it’s in the 70’s right now…and I don’t live in the south. It’s crazy.
I’m sorry this post was all over the place. I feel like I got whiplash just writing it. That’s usually how my mind works on a daily basis. It’s dizzying.
Have a good day, lovelies.