Love yourself

So today I finally got caught up on Once Upon A Time. I won’t give anything away because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. I’ll just say that it struck me and it stuck me hard.

There’s absolutely no doubt that I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way. I don’t love myself. I can’t stand myself. If I were to take a tainted Cupid’s Arrow, it would show a picture of me in a mirror, as in showing the one person I hate more than anything in the world.

I wish I had Regina’s strength, I wish I was as beautiful as she is. I guess I wish I was Regina. What she did for the Evil Queen…that was true strength. I wish I could I love myself, but every time I try, I get this overwhelming feeling of shame and self-disgust. Every time I try looking good, I see a hideous monster. The voice in my head narrates that others think of me what I think of myself. If I try to see the good in me, the voice in my head puts in my head that everyone is mocking me for it because I have nothing positive in me. I hate it. It’s a never ending struggle.

I recently discovered that the reason I like giving gifts so much is because I feel that I’m not enough and that’s true. There’s very little left of me and sometimes I have to fake emotions because I feel dead inside. It’s horrible. I can go whole days feeling hollow. I broke down crying recently because I learned that I will have to pay back more than I’m receiving in taxes because I don’t have insurance. I was counting on that money to help make my daughter’s 5th birthday magical and also put away for taking her on a Disney Cruise. That won’t be happening now. I also won’t be able to afford to get her any presents for her birthday, nothing for Easter, or any presents for my best friend. It’s soul crushing to me. I know my best friend picked up some things for me to give her and I am forever grateful for that and I intend to pay her back, but it makes me feel so pathetic.

I have such a long way to go on learning how to love myself…I’m not sure how I can go forward. I don’t know how to love myself. Whenever I try…I feel like I’m lying to myself.

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Wash your hands!!

So, this is pretty gross, but I’m going to tell it anyway.

Yesterday I saw Beauty and the Beast with my mom and daughter. It was so much better than I expected. The characters have so much more depth now and the makeup and costumes were on point for the time era. It also explained some things the animated version didn’t. LeFou is by far my favorite character. Josh Gad owned that role! I don’t think anyone could have played it nearly as well as he did.

I stupidly thought I could hold my pee in for the duration of the film. I had to go since the previews started and I would have gotten up to go to the bathroom, but the theater was packed. I didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I stayed put. The movie is two hours long. By the end of the movie, I couldn’t even cry because I was so focused on not peeing. I was in full blown potty-dance mode.

I didn’t even wait to see if there was a scene at the end of the credits. I nearly booked it to the restroom and as I stayed in line, I was in emergency pee-pee dance. I know this is all gross, but when I finally got to a stall, I dropped my phone and when I picked it up, my fingers brushed the floor…then, I proceeded to STUPIDLY TOUCH MY EYE!  Never do that!!

Before I even got a mile away from the mall, my eye started to get irritated and my vision went blurry. When I took off my sunglasses, I was so disgusted. I had pus coming out of my eye and it didn’t stop. It reached a point where my eyelashes were getting glued together. My eye swelled up and shut on itself, then started spreading to my other eye. Luckily I stopped it and it’s back to focusing on my left eye. The pus stopped too, so yay!

I can kind of see through my eye today, but now my eye and cheek are bruised from me constantly washing my eye. I have three dark red dots on my eye that kind of look like a smiley face.

I’m being ridiculously cautious about taking care of my eye because I don’t know if this infection is contagious or not and I really don’t want my daughter to get it. She would not like it at all. I don’t have insurance, so I can’t go to the doctor and get it looked at.

My point is, if you touch a public floor or even a door handle WASH YOUR HANDS!! Or at least use a disinfectant on your hands.

This whole event has kind of turned me into a germophobe. Yuck.

Being kind has drawbacks

Yesterday after I picked up my daughter from school, there was a woman standing in the middle of the road and she stepped in front of my car, so I had no choice but to stop. She then proceeded to get into my car and asked me to take her home before her kids off of the school bus. Deciding to be nice, I gave her lift, but she kept telling me to keep going. When she said “it’s just up the road”, she didn’t tell me that I would be driving nearly an hour out of my way to a scary neighborhood.

Things started to click into place for me.

She was being very vague every time I asked her a question. I can respect privacy, but if you can’t give me a straight answer, I’m going to know you’re hiding something. To make matters worse, the neighborhood she directed me to was not her home. She was “meeting a friend” because he was going to give her something and she expected me to stay there and wait. That wasn’t going to fly, especially since traffic out of that city is horrible. I left as soon as she shut the door. Maybe that is mean, but as I was driving, it struck me that the vehicle she claimed to be hers has been sitting in that field for months and couldn’t possible have “just broken down”. Her body language was consistent with drug withdrawals, having had previous experience with drug addicts, and while I don’t like making judgments on physical appearance, her skin was broken and had scabs from picking at her face, she had only one tooth, and her lips were off color and it wasn’t lipstick. She also kept asking me for money and when I replied that I didn’t have any, she got snippy saying “you have all these nice things and no money to spare?”. My fitbit was gift, as was my purse and phone. The car isn’t even mine, my mom let’s me use it. The clothes I was wearing I didn’t even buy with my own money. I haven’t even touched cash in months.

I felt like a horrible mother for picking up this stranger and not realizing sooner that I have seen her on that road before getting dropped off by a random vehicle and not near any houses. Maybe I’m a bad person for wishing I hadn’t stopped because she scared me. She never once said her son’s name and didn’t seem to show any sign of concern that we drove nearly an hour to a place that wasn’t her home and it would take even longer to return and the school buses were already dropping people off.

My bullshit meter seems to be rusty.

So, I decided that from now on, I’m not taking the main road to my daughter’s school anymore. There’s a back road that leads right to it that I have never been on, but I’m going to take it next week to avoid running into her again. I have always had a hard time saying no to people. I’m just not abrasive and I don’t like confrontation.

I lost sleep last night because I still felt horrible for letting a stranger into my car because I couldn’t just say no. I put my daughter at risk and I will never be able to forgive myself, even though she is fine. I had two anxiety attacks when I got home, another while I was trying to sleep, and I’m starting to have another one right now just thinking about it.

Changing Tides – Still a Storm

In a previous post, A Storm is Coming, I talked about how this house was going to be filled with loud mouthed bigots. Well, I found out that a lot of those people aren’t coming, but others are coming in their place. I don’t know if I should be happy about it or not.

The one couple I mentioned that hated me isn’t coming because the one man did not want to work under a woman. He wanted to be in charge of the entire project and when he was told that he wouldn’t be, he decided not to help because he thinks women are beneath men. I’m not kidding. He forbade his wife from coming, so she is coming either. She does what he tells her to. It’s sad, but I won’t miss either of them.

My aunt isn’t coming because her boyfriend is having a series of surgeries done on his colon because he cancer. The doctors want to remove it as soon as possible or he will be using a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. It’s understandable and I hope all is well with him.

So, in their place, my loud mouth, homophobic, xenophobic, alcoholic, right-wing radical, evangelical, Trump-dump loving grandparents are coming. Woo (note the sarcasm). I am NOT looking forward to this at all. I can already feel the bile rising to my throat just thinking about it.

However, I will have two buffers coming with too. My uncle and cousin are coming and they are awesome. Despite my uncle being loud and borderline alcoholic, he hates Trump and it kills him how close-minded his parents are. He also accepts me for who I am and hates that I am still too scared to openly embrace myself when they are around. My cousin is the same way and we like to play the same video games. I also know my cousin needs someone to talk to because his girlfriend left him for his best friend. So, hopefully I can get him to open up and he can heal.

There are still some people coming from Wisconsin and a woman coming from California, but I can’t recall if I’ve met them or not. I just know this house is going to be packed.

My best friend was originally going to come because all of this is happening around my daughter’s fifth birthday, but we just won’t have the room. I don’t want to overwhelm her or stress her out because I know that’s exactly what is going to happen.

It’s a good thing I took that time off from school or I wouldn’t get anything done from the stress.

Harrowing Moment

I had a really harrowing moment at the grocery store today. It’s never happened to me before.

There’s an impending snow storm blowing in and we’re expecting to get around five inches of snow, which for the area I live in is a lot. Schools are usually closed when there’s one inch because we don’t have the equipment to handle snow. Not like when I lived in Wisconsin where we had to go to school in the middle of blizzard. Anyway, I went to the grocery store with my daughter and it was obvious people are preparing for the worst; the parking lot was packed and the only three cashiers inside were completely overwhelmed. I got what we needed and when it was our turn, it rang up to $24. Unfortunately, my card was declined. Repeatedly. This had never happened to me, so I started to get extremely embarrassed and my daughter didn’t understand what was happening. I was prepared to leave without the groceries, apologizing for the inconvenience. Suddenly, the older woman behind with a cart with a mountain of groceries offered to pay for them. I broke out and tears and nearly hugged her. I kept thanking her with a cracked voice and led my daughter outside with our groceries. In the car, I had an anxiety attack because I don’t like being in the spot light.

I texted my mom and it turns out our account had been hacked and all of the money had been stolen. Luckily the account was insured and we would be getting it back, but I felt horrible. It’s nice to know that there are still nice people out there in the world in these turbulent times.

Kicked by a mule

I wasn’t actually kicked by a mule, I just feel like I have been…repeatedly, then hit by a bullet train.

Despite not getting much sleep last night, I woke up feeling ok, but on the way home from dropping my daughter off at school, I got an instant demon hybrid tension migraine the moment I turned my head to look to see if it was clear to turn. I probably shouldn’t be on my laptop, but I have too much work to get done to just chill until my daughter gets out of school. The high pollen count certainly isn’t helping.

I know I should see a doctor about a lot of things. I’m sure I’d be put on a let of medication from digestive issues to high anxiety, stress, depression, and sleep disorders. Unfortunately, I learned that getting insurance will be next to impossible with the new Trumpcare proposed by #45. My daughter might be losing hers too. Lovely. Just thinking about it all is starting up a nasty anxiety attack, which I am aware are getting increasingly worse every day.

I can’t wait for April. Not only is my daughter’s fifth birth in April (hopefully it won’t be ruined by the company we’ll be having, which is bound to make me so stressed, I’ll throw up bile), but I’m taking the month off from school. Partially to start looking for a small kindergarten for my daughter and sign her up for summer dance class and possibly a summer school to put her further ahead, but because I’m also extremely burned out. The psychology program at my school has a mandatory learning team in every class and I have never hated working with people more. I usually end up having to do the entire assignment myself because I absolutely hate having to rely on others, even more so when their lack of performance impacts my grade. I was the same way in high school, I just have no tolerance for it now.

I also have some projects I want to get done, as well as some writing. I really do want to publish lesbian historical romance novel. I just have a hard time finding time to write or even the motivation for it. I need to have the right mindset or it just comes out forced. Sometimes when I have the motivation, I end up second guessing myself and hating what I’ve written. Then I feel like there’s no point in it because no one will ever like it and the ones that do will say it’s good to spare my feelings. Then I run myself into a vicious self-hating circle. I tend to be pretty good at it and have gotten better at keeping it to myself lately.

I am trying to keep more things to myself, which is why I haven’t made more posts. I know it is counter productive, but I don’t like talking about feelings much anymore because I feel that while the only person I actually talk to is supportive, deep down, part of me feels that she is sick of hearing the same thing over and over again. And things that seem very important to me have absolutely no meaning to others. I feel that I’m just making it harder for my best friend to be my friend and I’ll never find anyone to love me. I’m still running myself in contradictory circles that leave me dizzy. I want to know that I am worthy of being loved and I want to be held, but I don’t want to open myself up anymore and I don’t like being touched. The little voice inside of me keeps telling me that no one really cares and everyone is just sparing my feelings because they are tired of hearing it…even if they aren’t.

Any less

Where do I even begin? A lot has gone on, but at the same time, it doesn’t seem like much at all.

My best friend came to visit at the beginning of the month for two weeks and it was great. We actually did some stuff while she was here…not much, but it was something. Usually we don’t go anywhere and I always feel horrible about that. I also feel bad that while she was here, she got a peek into what my everyday is like. While my mother kept her comments to herself most of the time, we still argued. However relaxing the atmosphere was during the day instantly changed the moment my mother came home and it was very difficult to work on anything and even focus. There were also moments where we were too scared to go in the kitchen and get something to eat, so we just stayed hungry. I do that quite often. Things were just quiet after she went home, but it didn’t take long for my mom to open the dam on her criticism.

In a previous post, I mentioned that I am perpetually exhausted and I still am. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get or how well I actually rested, I  always wake up feeling as if I haven’t slept in days. According to my fitbit, I had actually gotten over nine hours of sleep last night, but I woke up feeling as if I had stayed up for the past week. There are some days where I feel narcoleptic because I will randomly fall asleep anywhere in the house at randoms times. Even when I’m leaning against the wall or island in the kitchen. I keep chalking it up to being my extreme stress and anxiety. While my best friend was here, she only saw a glimpse of my anxiety when I shrugged her off (I feel horrible about that). A typical and normal day for me is having at least three anxiety attacks a day. Each one worse than the last. I would go to the doctor, but I don’t have insurance and I don’t have the money for it.

Lately, I have been feeling like I am less than myself. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but there are days where I feel like I’m less than a lesbian simply because I have dated guys in the past to hide who I really was. I wear my pride bracelet whenever I’m out and I try to keep it visible, but the clasp is weird and it falls off a lot. I feel that people instantly see me as being less than a lesbian because they see me with my daughter. I know for a fact that my family doesn’t think I’m a lesbian because I’m a mother. My own mother told me to my face that I’m “just a slut that doesn’t want to take responsibility for opening my legs for a bad guy and I’m just following a trend”. I wish I was making that up. Maybe I’m just feeling defeated. I know I’m a lesbian, I’ve known since I was young and have hid behind a mask most of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I should just put that mask back on…I already wear one to hide my anxiety and depression. I think part of it stems from not feeling like I’m worth anything, which might be why I give so many gifts, or try to. I feel like I don’t have anything of myself to give because I’ve lost so much. I run myself into contradictions where I want to be held and loved again, to know that I am still worthy of it…but at the same time, I absolutely hate being touched and I’m terrified to open myself up to anyone. Not just for myself, but for my daughter. I don’t want to be the parent that brings people into their child’s life and removes them just as quickly. If I bring someone into my life, I want it to be someone who is ok with being a parent figure and is patient with me. I’m terrified of that because I’m scared that person both exists and doesn’t exist. If they exist, I’m scared I won’t be enough for them.

I’m such a mess…

Ok, happy thoughts.

Um…oh! I perfected my puppy chow recipe today. It’s amazing. I had to put it away because I was going to make myself sick eating it. I completely ignore the typical ingredient measurements given on any recipe card and do my own thing. First off, I use the entire box of cereal and then take two whole bags of Dove milk chocolate and melt those down with an entire cup of creamy peanut butter, a quarter of a stick of melted butter, a gentle splash of vanilla extract, and just a drop of rose water. I love clumps in my puppy chow, so this was perfect. Especially when I split the mix into two bags for the powdered sugar, which I don’t measure. I just dump in a little at a time until it’s covered. The cereal maintains its crunch and YUM! The whole process takes between a half hour to an hour, including prep time. I take my time because until I get a real confectioner’s double boiler, I use a shallow pan on a pot. If I tried putting all of the chocolate and other ingredients in at the same time, it would overflow, so I do it a little at a time. I would love to be able to give it to my daughter’s school, but they don’t allow that. If you want to bring in something, it has to be bought with a full list of ingredients to be safe, which I fully understand.

I love baking and making candy. I took off the entire month of April from school and I plan on making a bunch of cherry blossom chocolates for my daughter’s birthday. Unfortunately, the Cherry Blossom festival is being bumped up, so it won’t coincide with her birthday because of the weather. I mean, it’s February and it’s in the 70’s right now…and I don’t live in the south. It’s crazy.

I’m sorry this post was all over the place. I feel like I got whiplash just writing it. That’s usually how my mind works on a daily basis. It’s dizzying.

Have a good day, lovelies.

 

 

 

A Storm is Coming

So last night I was told that come April, this house is going to be packed with the most judgmental, abrasive, racist, homophobic, vocal people imaginable. It’s going to be a nightmare. Two of those people I know hate me to my very core. I have no idea how long they are staying.

On top of that, my mother wants one of my childhood tormentors to come and stay with us. When I voiced my protest, I was immediately shut down. My mother said that she doesn’t believe any of that ever happened because he says it didn’t, knowing he is a compulsive liar. She says she doesn’t believe I was ever raped or that I’m even a lesbian. She flat out told me that I’m just a little slut trying to avoid responsibility and play victim so people feel sorry for me and I’m trying to be the biggest disappoint in her life. She said I make her look bad and that I’m the single most toxic person she has ever met. She continued to say that whatever I think my reality was was because my life was “too good” and I needed to create something “fun”.

It’s lovely to know what my own mother thinks of me. I guess it’s easier to condemn someone you should love and support than think ill of someone you are desperately trying to hold onto despite all the wrong they have done you. I always knew I couldn’t really trust anyone in my family and I already knew that none of them believed any of that stuff happened to me (which they did).

Growing up, and even now, if I attempt to talk about my thoughts and emotions, I get shut down and told to “get over it”. They make me feel invalid and yet they can turn around express themselves freely and be accepted. Since the moment I was born, I was everything they didn’t want. It leaves you feeling hollow.

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was a storm of emotions that shook me to my core. I threw up a few times. Tears threatened to fall, but never actually fell, and I couldn’t stop shaking. I clenched my jaw so tightly that something in my head popped and my whole body went cold. Now, I have a nasty tension headache and my ears are ringing so loud I can barely hear. My vision is blurry too. I can tell I’m hungry and I should eat, but I have no appetite and the thought of eating makes me nauseous.

You would think I’d be used to it by now.

Perpetually Exhausted

I can never seem to get enough sleep, when I actually sleep through the entire night. I still wake up feeling like I never slept. It’s actually rare for me to sleep through the entire night and even rarer for me to get more than a few hours in one night. So, through the entire day, I have little to no energy and have to resort to caffeine to get through the noon hump.

Today, I feel even more tired than usual. It’s making me nauseous and today I threw up a lot, but I’ve also been sick for the past several days. It could also be stress. Stress of never being rested. Stress because after I dropped my daughter off at school, the atmosphere in the house was heavy and tense…because my mom was home and in a rotten mood. I can’t even enter the kitchen to eat without getting some harsh words thrown at me. I’m thinking I should have a stash of snacks some where so I can avoid that.

I need to get insurance too. My stress and anxiety disorders seem to be getting worse. I seriously need to get something for them. I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t sleep and why I get my monthly every six months, not every month. It’s also probably attributing to why I am having such difficulty losing weight.