I have been having troubles sleeping for a very long time and have grown used to always being tired, but lately I have been feeling like that I have just been awake for a long time. I go to bed, I dream, but I don’t feel as though I have slept. Last night was extremely…disturbing for me.
Now, I’m not a superstitious person. I’m not religious by any means or spiritual. I prefer a logical and scientific explanation with evidence that I can see, but things have been happening lately that are making me question my eyes and possibly my sanity, which is scary for me. I’m the primary caretaker of my daughter and the only one she trusts. If she loses me, it will be traumatic.
For awhile now, I’ve been hearing things in my room when no one is up there. I hear footsteps and knocking sounds near my side of the bed. The other day I was walking by my room and I saw a black mass standing over where I sleep. When I say black mass, I mean it was almost solid. I couldn’t see my bookshelf or the chair beside the bed. I stopped and looked back into the room and it was gone. I can easily explain that as being a block in my vision or the result of fatigue or even because I was using chemicals to clean and the room wasn’t vented enough. It was still alarming. Before, I have heard footsteps walking around upstairs, low voices talking, and coughing. Now, usually I would say it was my landlord who lives next door in the duplex…however…this stuff happens when he isn’t home or he is outside. He is also confined to the downstairs, he is unable to go up the stairs, so he wouldn’t be walking around up there.
One night, when I was getting out of the shower, I felt something was off in the house. It was eerily quiet and I just felt on edge. Out of nowhere, I heard running in the hall. It was a rushing kind of run that is very alarming, especially when it is so quiet, and those steps were heavy! I was terrified and went back to room, then shut and locked the door. My anxiety overwhelmed me and I broke down. After that, I keep the hallway light on until I retire to my room for the night.
I have also been increasingly aware that I am scared of the dark, which is very new to me. I grew up on horror flicks and was never scared. I could easily rationalize everything I saw in those movies. I can’t exactly pinpoint when the fear started, but it had to have been when I was in the hospital when I was pregnant. There was one night where I saw a tall, thin figure of a woman with long fingers standing at the end of the bed. I don’t know if what I saw was a result of stress with the combination of ambient, but that image stuck with me.
Now, there are nights where I’m lying in bed and I see that same female figure next to my bed, looking down at me. It’s hard to tell where her eyes are. Sometimes, there is a male figure with her wearing a top hat. They don’t really concern me anymore. They just watch and from what I have seen, they leave my daughter alone. Again, I am convinced it is all in my head.
Last night was more concerning. At one point in the evening, I woke up and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what time it was and when I tried to reach for my phone, my hand wouldn’t respond. Nothing would respond. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t hear the tv playing in the background, but I could see the flickering light of it through the blankets that cover the tv. I couldn’t hear my fan, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see the glow from the green light that indicated the fan was on. All I could hear was a combination of my heartbeat and a loud ringing that set my teeth on edge. Out of nowhere, a black shadow figure thing crawling into my line of vision on the ceiling. It was hard to decipher a what it was, but the sound of breathing seemed deafening to me. It sounded like ragged heavy breathing and clicking. When it turned its head, I cannot begin to describe the fear I felt. Those eyes were a piercing yellow and seemed to bore right through me. Then…it dropped on top of me. I remember choking and unable to move. I couldn’t breathe. Then…it was gone. I sat up and got instantly dizzy. I felt weak and every joint in my body and my lungs hurt. I was covered in cold sweat and my heart was racing. I had to take a shower to calm down. Even now, I can feel like a haze or fog in my brain and I can’t focus. I’ve been very clumsy all morning and my hands aren’t moving the way I want them to. My voice sounds strange to my ears and after I took Sakura to school, I sat on the couch and stared at the plants. I know what kind of plants they are, but I can’t form the words to tell what they are. My first thought is that I’m just really tired, overwhelming so. The only thing, I don’t think that’s the first time I’ve seen that thing…I know I’ve at least felt it.
When I was younger, during spring cleaning in the house, I was cleaning my room (this was after my door had been removed), I remember sitting against my bed to take a little break and watching my younger brother across the hall pull stuff out from under his bed. Then I remember seeing shadows around me and when I looked up, I saw these small black things flying around me that looked like bats. I tried to scream and cry for help as they started to bite and scratch me, but no sounds escaped my throat. I couldn’t understand why people were walking by my room, not bothering to look in, and see that I needed help. When it stopped, I couldn’t talk through the sobs and I had scratches and little patches of skin missing where my skin was exposed. Looking back, I think it was more of a stress induced episode or even a seizure of some sort. I don’t think those were bats that I saw and I think I was the one that scratched my skin in the episode. I was certainly under enough stress to cause one.
Unfortunately, since that moment, I haven’t liked it being quiet and I need to have a fan on when I sleep and it has to be pointed at me. I have a movie playing on a loop all night long, but quiet enough so that it doesn’t disrupt sleep. During the day, the tv has to be on or my anxiety skyrockets and I start hearing things…like voices whispering around me. As long as I have background noise, I don’t hear them.
As I said, I don’t believe in the paranormal and I think there is a logical explanation for what happened, but that doesn’t shake this persistent anxiety attack that won’t go away.