I know I haven’t written in awhile and I suppose it’s because nothing has really been going on. Just the same old same old and I’m sick of posting that shit on here. Heh…I say that and this post is no better.
My daughter just turned six and I’m trying to be the best mother I can be for her, but I realized I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I try so hard to be kind and understanding, but I didn’t exactly get that growing up. I want to be the mother I wanted. I want to give my daughter affection and unconditional love. I don’t go a day without telling her she is loved, that is beautiful and intelligent, and so much stronger than she knows. Beyond that…I’m at a loss.
When I was a kid, I was also envious of the other kids whose mothers would hug them and kiss their foreheads. Even more so of the kids who spoke so highly of the great relationships they had with their mothers. Meanwhile, I struggled to remember the last time I was really hugged my own mother. I couldn’t recall a moment where I was just held for comfort or even the last time my mother looked at me with love in her eyes instead of annoyance. It hurt not being able to talk to my mom about anything without her getting short with me or behaving like I was inconveniencing her. So, I started keeping things to myself. It wasn’t worth the stress. I wasn’t worth her time, I wasn’t worth anything.
Now, as an adult, I still can’t talk to my mom. I can’t talk about why I haven’t been sleeping or any physical pain. I definitely can’t bring up anything remotely emotional or I’m met with this cold eyed stare. It’s like her heart hardens when I try to get some form of emotional support. She won’t even say the word lesbian. She just says “people like you/that”. She claims she doesn’t care, but she won’t talk about it and I’ve seen her clench her jaw and roll her eyes whenever I try. So, I stopped trying.
I feel this gaping hole in my chest. Is there something wrong with me? Is that why my mother doesn’t love me? I don’t know what to do.
I never want my daughter to feel anything like this.