Mother’s Day

I know I haven’t written in awhile and I suppose it’s because nothing has really been going on. Just the same old same old and I’m sick of posting that shit on here. Heh…I say that and this post is no better.

My daughter just turned six and I’m trying to be the best mother I can be for her, but I realized I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I try so hard to be kind and understanding, but I didn’t exactly get that growing up. I want to be the mother I wanted. I want to give my daughter affection and unconditional love. I don’t go a day without telling her she is loved, that is beautiful and intelligent, and so much stronger than she knows. Beyond that…I’m at a loss.

When I was a kid, I was also envious of the other kids whose mothers would hug them and kiss their foreheads. Even more so of the kids who spoke so highly of the great relationships they had with their mothers. Meanwhile, I struggled to remember the last time I was really hugged my own mother. I couldn’t recall a moment where I was just held for comfort or even the last time my mother looked at me with love in her eyes instead of annoyance. It hurt not being able to talk to my mom about anything without her getting short with me or behaving like I was inconveniencing her. So, I started keeping things to myself. It wasn’t worth the stress. I wasn’t worth her time, I wasn’t worth anything.

Now, as an adult, I still can’t talk to my mom. I can’t talk about why I haven’t been sleeping or any physical pain. I definitely can’t bring up anything remotely emotional or I’m met with this cold eyed stare. It’s like her heart hardens when I try to get some form of emotional support. She won’t even say the word lesbian. She just says “people like you/that”. She claims she doesn’t care, but she won’t talk about it and I’ve seen her clench her jaw and roll her eyes whenever I try. So, I stopped trying.

I feel this gaping hole in my chest. Is there something wrong with me? Is that why my mother doesn’t love me? I don’t know what to do.

I never want my daughter to feel anything like this.

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Dreading the Future

Recent events have made me lose hope for a good future. My vision of the future is really quite bleak. As the image shows, that’s pretty much what I expect the U.S. to look like in the next ten years, if that.

We have a leader that isn’t behaving like a leader at all. I’m beginning to think he has dementia. People are losing benefits and rights left and right. If the new “Healthcare Bill” passes, I won’t get to see a doctor ever and I know I have some health risks that need to be looked at…I just don’t have any insurance and can’t afford a visit. Not only that, but being a woman, sexual assault survivor, athiest, and lesbian, I’m already a second class citizen. I leave the house in fear every day that I’m going to be attacked by Christian Terrorists simply for being a single mother. Every time I hear a jet fly over the house, I pause, expecting to hear the whistle of a missile or bomb. I’m close enough to the DC area that I would die if there was a nuclear strike and with commander kookoo bananas in charge, I expect that to be happening any day now. Every day I look at my daughter and fear it is going to be the last time I see her. That I may have to watch her die…or her watch me die and have to try to survive without me. It’s so painful and heartbreaking to go through that multiple times a day.

I’m so stressed out, I can’t sleep. I’m so hungry, but have no appetite to eat. I don’t think I could even stomach it. I feel bile in my throat all the time. I might have an ulcer with the pain I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been hit with waves of anxiety attacks and today I’m extremely lightheaded from them. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she practically worships that cheetoh ass-hat. I’m pretty sure my best friend is sick of me talking about my fears by now, so I’m starting to hold my tongue.

Sitting here watching my daughter play, I wish I had her innocence and no cares. I’m terrified she won’t have a future. I’m terrified she’ll be objective simply for being a girl and will have no opportunities. I’m dreading having to tell her why our “leader” glorifies sexual abuse and that the world thinks nothing of her because of her gender. My insides are knotted just thinking about it. I’m trying not to cry.

This country has a one way ticket to being a third world country with a Christian Sharia Law. It’s unsettling that so many people could be so blindly patriotic and at the same time spit on the forefathers’ vision of this country they claim to love.

 

Awkward Parenting Moment

This evening was rather…eventful for me. I ended up having a conversation I didn’t expect to have for at least another eight years.

I went upstairs to check on my daughter and get her settled in bed for the evening after her chill time. I didn’t expect to see her rubbing herself. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of things to expect with a child as they develop and I already knew that masturbation is extremely common around this age. It just caught me off guard. My first reaction was fear…fear over who taught her how to do that. Instead of an aggressive reaction, like I grew getting, I sat down on the couch in the room and had my daughter sit next me. I had to calm her down because she was crying, she thought she was in trouble. I did not want to make her feel ashamed of herself at all because to me it was not something to be ashamed about. I calmly told her she wasn’t in trouble and asked her if anyone taught her how to do that. She told me no. That was a relief because I know for that to be a fear for all parents. I explained to her that what she did was natural and she did nothing wrong. I just told her that she should only do it in her room, not around others because it’s impolite.

Now, I know many people would disagree with my parenting there and frankly, I don’t care. How do you expect your child to trust you if your reactions are always angry? I want my daughter to be able to come to without fear of being punished just for asking. I want her to come to me about stuff like that or I will never know what is actually hurting my daughter. I grew up in an environment where I couldn’t even mention certain things without getting my face slapped. Instead of turning to my parents for guidance, I just did it myself and often got hurt doing it. I don’t want that for my daughter. I want her to know that she can come to be for anything and know she can rely on me for helping her.

I’m sure I’m going to get fire for how I handled the situation and if you feel you have to tell me I’m wrong and my daughter needs to be ashamed of her body, calmly navigate away from my blog.

So…yeah…there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll have to give my daughter “the talk” sooner than originally planned. I just need to figure out how to do that. I was never given a talk, so this is uncharted territory for me.

Farewell, readers.

Until next time.

Closed-minds teaching others to be closed-minded

I spent this past weekend close to the Eastern Shore and it was pretty relaxing, until I was told I would have to babysit a boy that has been continuously rude to my daughter every time he is near her. That didn’t change this time around. He flat out criticized everything she enjoyed from her toys and clothes to the shows and movies she absolutely adores. I could tell how horribly it was impacting her. No five year old should feel shame like that. I stopped being nice and I snapped at him, asking him how he’d like it if someone said those things to him. His response was that he’d punch them in the face, which he said he has done before because that’s what his dad told him to do. He then went on to say that his dad said that if someone isn’t “normal” then they should expect to be treated poorly. Apparently, this definition of “normal” excludes people who don’t bully for fun, are genuinely polite to others, like different things than they do, don’t believe in religion, have a non-violent/passive nature, are “hippies”, anyone in the LGBT+ community, or just like cats (I’m not kidding). He even said that if anyone in their family didn’t worship like them, like the same football team, or like Trump, they weren’t family. They are actually teaching these things to kids!? Where’s the unconditional love!? It was horrible to hear all of this. I thought this kid was full of shit until I went to dinner with his family. His father had the gull to say my daughter “needed to learn how to handle bullying because she comes from an “unnatural” home life”. What the actual fuck!? Then he went on to say how the LGBT+ community needs to be “taken care of” and the only good cats have in life are on a plate served with rice. These people disgust me.

They said several other horrible things, even criticizing my weight and short hair. I looked to my mother for help and she flat out said that I shouldn’t be myself because people don’t like who I am and I’m an embarrassment to the family. Definitely not the first time I’ve heard that, but it didn’t hurt any less. The worst part of it all, my daughter heard every single word. She is going to remember those words for the rest of her life.

I don’t know where to go from here…I suppose I’ll just keep trying to reinforce confidence and love in my daughter, teaching her to treat everyone the way she wants to be treated, and to never listen to nasty people like them because they are only spreading hate, which is bad. I just hope she doesn’t treat me poorly because of them and anyone who can’t accept people for their differences.

My Trinity

Ok, so I posted something on Facebook about the Trinity, not the same as the Christian Holy Trinity, but deep minds on cartoons and their view on life. Two in particular have deeply impacted me since the premieres of the shows. Steven Universe and Rick & Morty.

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Now, I’m a firm believer in that the meaning of life is that there isn’t a meaning to life. No one exists for a reason, there is no great plan for them. There is no purpose. There is no magic invisible giant pulling the strings of your life. There is just existing and what you do in the time of your birth and your death will not dictate an afterlife. So go ahead and eat that cake, kiss your lover, dye your hair an awesome color, and rock your outfit. Don’t be afraid to be you.

I posted that on Facebook and immediately got a text from a family member telling me to take it down because it was blasphemous. I’m not going to take it down. They constantly share their belief in sending gays to conversion camps, taking children from them because they believe everyone in the LGBT+ community is a child molester, and that America should be a white christian country. It’s a headache. Pretty damn sure they are trying to force Christian Sharia Law.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I respect people’s beliefs until they disrespect my lack of them or use their religion to hurt others. I know my best friend has some beliefs and I may vent on her a little too much about my absolute disdain for religion…to which I am so terribly sorry if I have offended you in anyway. You know I would never intentionally hurt you like that (I know you’re reading this).

With the new turn of events, it’s going to be so hard to live free of religion. It won’t be long before there will be religious police trolling the streets, barging into homes, and making sure you live your life according to an old book filled with fairy tales, whether or not you believe in them. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that just because they believe in something, they have to impose that belief on others. I know not everyone is like that. I know of a few others that are accepting and openminded. They’re the good ones. They’re just overpowered by the loud ones that think everyone not like them is wrong.

I think Greg Universe’s explanation is my favorite in that picture. Now, I’m a huge Steven Universe fan. That show helped me learn to accept myself. Last night’s episode was actually the one where Greg said that to Steven, explaining to him that he had no magical destiny and wasn’t meant for something too big for him. He is the result of two people who love each other and you can’t expect too much from a kid…you just have to let them find their own and just want them to be happy. That’s what I want for my daughter. I don’t have this big expectation for her. I just want her to be happy. I don’t care if she wants to be religious and I don’t care who she falls in love with. I just want to be there supporting her and giving her unconditional love. I’m not going to tell her who has to be because that’s not up to me. It’s up to her.

I’m just going to leave things with this:

You don’t have to fully understand someone to know they deserve to be true to themselves and let them be happy. They don’t have to force themselves into a frame that is the same for everyone to have a place because no two people are same. Love is not conditional.

Octo-Sharknado

I honestly have no idea why I titled this post “Octo-Sharknado”, it really has nothing to do with this post.

It seems all my posts have been pretty negative and I want to apologize for that. I also want to further apologize because this post isn’t going to be any different.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling well…physically, emotionally, and mentally. I seem to be getting increasingly sick, but I can’t place what I have. I have a cough that is getting worse and it has reached the point that I’ll throw up and get a bloody nose. I get these demon hybrid tension-migraines too, but I think it’s from clenching my jaw in my sleep. I noticed I do it without realizing it when I’m awake. I haven’t been able to focus on anything either. I’ll even stop mid-thought and just feel defeated.

I’m noticing that I’ve been stuck between feeling anxious and scared to being numb. I have to fake being happy for my daughter’s sake and it usually makes me feel even worse and exhausted. I know I need help and getting treatment will help, maybe even me out too, but I don’t have insurance and if this new bill passes Senate, I won’t ever get to see a doctor again because I’m a walking pre-existing condition. That’s just adding to the fear. I had a few anxiety attacks yesterday over that new bill. I can’t help but feel this country is doomed.

There’s this overwhelming sense of dread hanging over me and it’s making me feel hollow. None of my methods to feel better are working either and I’m at my wits end. The last time I was this bad was before I got pregnant and I started smoking pot. I remember how relaxed I was and I was actually able to enjoy myself. I could sleep too and woke up without feeling like I was hit by a train. Of course, I stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant, but here I am now, my daughter now five years old, and wanting to see if pot will help me again. Unfortunately, it isn’t legal here and I’m unwilling to risk losing my daughter to get it. Does wanting to smoke to relieve this anguish make me a bad parent?

I’m sitting her, on the verge of tears, trying to tell myself that I’m not a complete failure, but I know I don’t believe that. I feel like a sponge soaking up every negative emotion and energy in a wide radius around me, even things I’m not physically near. I hate this feeling.

Nonacceptance

Today I got into a rather ugly discussion with someone on Facebook over an article posted by LGBT News of a woman who decided to stop shaving her facial hair, which is the result of PCOS, and embrace her beard. Her boyfriend fully supports her and is happy that she has finally found strength and confidence in being who she is. This struck a cord with me because I suffer from having facial hair and often have to shave it once or twice a day to hide it. It’s hard for me to talk about, I wouldn’t dare speak a word of it until recently. I haven’t been diagnosed with PCOS, but I have all of the symptoms in it.

The argument started with a Transgender woman, of all people, who called her a disgusting monster. I have spent the better part of three hours arguing with this woman who absolutely believes that me supporting her having a beard makes me a monster for supporting her being disgusting. I cannot grasp how someone who faces discrimination every day could possibly not see how happy the woman in the article is and that she is loved dearly. All she sees is a woman with hair on her face. It hurt, but as we continued to argue, I stopped caring because this woman is just a sad human being who is apparently so unhappy with herself that she feels this burning need to tear down everyone else around her that doesn’t resemble what she thinks a woman should look like.

Deep down, I’m in serious pain because every day I struggle to look at myself and while a lot of has to do with mental and emotional disorders, it also has a lot do with having struggled with facial hair since I was in middle school, as I hit puberty early. I succumbed to the bullying after a group of boys cornered me after school and threw rocks at me because I had sideburns and a budding mustache. I shaved for the first time that night and it just made me feel worse. After that moment, I have had to struggle with hiding the evidence of my shaving and sometimes it just makes it worse with irritated skin. If I go out without makeup, I keep my head down and my hair hiding the sides of my face. I keep tweezers on me at all times. If I wear makeup, I try so hard to hide the shadow lingering on my face and if I see it showing, I have a crippling anxiety attack. It’s been my deepest secret and shame that I only just recently told my best friend about. I can never accept myself as being anything remotely positive because of it and this transgender woman made it worse for me.

I’m trying so hard to brush off those comments and seem every bit as cool as I was when I dismissed her calling me a “cunt” and a “monster”, but I’m sitting at my laptop with tears running down my face and a lump forming in my throat because even a transgender woman can’t accept that cisgender women struggle with facial hair and for many, laser removal is not practical as many have extremely sensitive skin (I do) and even things that say they are meant for sensitive skin tend to cause breakouts. Not to mention how expensive those treatments are.

I need to end this here because I can feel the bile rising through my throat and my hands are shaking. I need to get my daughter to bed and I’ll most likely play video games afterwards to blow off some steam.

Love yourself

So today I finally got caught up on Once Upon A Time. I won’t give anything away because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. I’ll just say that it struck me and it stuck me hard.

There’s absolutely no doubt that I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way. I don’t love myself. I can’t stand myself. If I were to take a tainted Cupid’s Arrow, it would show a picture of me in a mirror, as in showing the one person I hate more than anything in the world.

I wish I had Regina’s strength, I wish I was as beautiful as she is. I guess I wish I was Regina. What she did for the Evil Queen…that was true strength. I wish I could I love myself, but every time I try, I get this overwhelming feeling of shame and self-disgust. Every time I try looking good, I see a hideous monster. The voice in my head narrates that others think of me what I think of myself. If I try to see the good in me, the voice in my head puts in my head that everyone is mocking me for it because I have nothing positive in me. I hate it. It’s a never ending struggle.

I recently discovered that the reason I like giving gifts so much is because I feel that I’m not enough and that’s true. There’s very little left of me and sometimes I have to fake emotions because I feel dead inside. It’s horrible. I can go whole days feeling hollow. I broke down crying recently because I learned that I will have to pay back more than I’m receiving in taxes because I don’t have insurance. I was counting on that money to help make my daughter’s 5th birthday magical and also put away for taking her on a Disney Cruise. That won’t be happening now. I also won’t be able to afford to get her any presents for her birthday, nothing for Easter, or any presents for my best friend. It’s soul crushing to me. I know my best friend picked up some things for me to give her and I am forever grateful for that and I intend to pay her back, but it makes me feel so pathetic.

I have such a long way to go on learning how to love myself…I’m not sure how I can go forward. I don’t know how to love myself. Whenever I try…I feel like I’m lying to myself.

Wash your hands!!

So, this is pretty gross, but I’m going to tell it anyway.

Yesterday I saw Beauty and the Beast with my mom and daughter. It was so much better than I expected. The characters have so much more depth now and the makeup and costumes were on point for the time era. It also explained some things the animated version didn’t. LeFou is by far my favorite character. Josh Gad owned that role! I don’t think anyone could have played it nearly as well as he did.

I stupidly thought I could hold my pee in for the duration of the film. I had to go since the previews started and I would have gotten up to go to the bathroom, but the theater was packed. I didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I stayed put. The movie is two hours long. By the end of the movie, I couldn’t even cry because I was so focused on not peeing. I was in full blown potty-dance mode.

I didn’t even wait to see if there was a scene at the end of the credits. I nearly booked it to the restroom and as I stayed in line, I was in emergency pee-pee dance. I know this is all gross, but when I finally got to a stall, I dropped my phone and when I picked it up, my fingers brushed the floor…then, I proceeded to STUPIDLY TOUCH MY EYE!  Never do that!!

Before I even got a mile away from the mall, my eye started to get irritated and my vision went blurry. When I took off my sunglasses, I was so disgusted. I had pus coming out of my eye and it didn’t stop. It reached a point where my eyelashes were getting glued together. My eye swelled up and shut on itself, then started spreading to my other eye. Luckily I stopped it and it’s back to focusing on my left eye. The pus stopped too, so yay!

I can kind of see through my eye today, but now my eye and cheek are bruised from me constantly washing my eye. I have three dark red dots on my eye that kind of look like a smiley face.

I’m being ridiculously cautious about taking care of my eye because I don’t know if this infection is contagious or not and I really don’t want my daughter to get it. She would not like it at all. I don’t have insurance, so I can’t go to the doctor and get it looked at.

My point is, if you touch a public floor or even a door handle WASH YOUR HANDS!! Or at least use a disinfectant on your hands.

This whole event has kind of turned me into a germophobe. Yuck.

Being kind has drawbacks

Yesterday after I picked up my daughter from school, there was a woman standing in the middle of the road and she stepped in front of my car, so I had no choice but to stop. She then proceeded to get into my car and asked me to take her home before her kids off of the school bus. Deciding to be nice, I gave her lift, but she kept telling me to keep going. When she said “it’s just up the road”, she didn’t tell me that I would be driving nearly an hour out of my way to a scary neighborhood.

Things started to click into place for me.

She was being very vague every time I asked her a question. I can respect privacy, but if you can’t give me a straight answer, I’m going to know you’re hiding something. To make matters worse, the neighborhood she directed me to was not her home. She was “meeting a friend” because he was going to give her something and she expected me to stay there and wait. That wasn’t going to fly, especially since traffic out of that city is horrible. I left as soon as she shut the door. Maybe that is mean, but as I was driving, it struck me that the vehicle she claimed to be hers has been sitting in that field for months and couldn’t possible have “just broken down”. Her body language was consistent with drug withdrawals, having had previous experience with drug addicts, and while I don’t like making judgments on physical appearance, her skin was broken and had scabs from picking at her face, she had only one tooth, and her lips were off color and it wasn’t lipstick. She also kept asking me for money and when I replied that I didn’t have any, she got snippy saying “you have all these nice things and no money to spare?”. My fitbit was gift, as was my purse and phone. The car isn’t even mine, my mom let’s me use it. The clothes I was wearing I didn’t even buy with my own money. I haven’t even touched cash in months.

I felt like a horrible mother for picking up this stranger and not realizing sooner that I have seen her on that road before getting dropped off by a random vehicle and not near any houses. Maybe I’m a bad person for wishing I hadn’t stopped because she scared me. She never once said her son’s name and didn’t seem to show any sign of concern that we drove nearly an hour to a place that wasn’t her home and it would take even longer to return and the school buses were already dropping people off.

My bullshit meter seems to be rusty.

So, I decided that from now on, I’m not taking the main road to my daughter’s school anymore. There’s a back road that leads right to it that I have never been on, but I’m going to take it next week to avoid running into her again. I have always had a hard time saying no to people. I’m just not abrasive and I don’t like confrontation.

I lost sleep last night because I still felt horrible for letting a stranger into my car because I couldn’t just say no. I put my daughter at risk and I will never be able to forgive myself, even though she is fine. I had two anxiety attacks when I got home, another while I was trying to sleep, and I’m starting to have another one right now just thinking about it.