Well, everyone showed up last night and it went a little worse than I expected. I was sitting in the living room alone, playing video games to relax, and as the night progressed, they got louder the more they drank. I couldn’t hear the tv or my laptop at all. I had to go upstairs periodically to check on my daughter to make sure they didn’t wake her. Things took a turn for the worst later in the evening when all of a sudden I came up in their conversation.

They talked about how I couldn’t possibly be gay because I’ve dated men. My grandparents fullheartedly believe that a woman cannot get pregnant unless she wants to, so I was never raped to them; I wanted to be treated like that in their eyes. I apparently was also only saying I’m a lesbian because being gay is a minority and  according to them, I need to be in the minority to feel like I belong. They ranted about that for a long time before they reached how they don’t like that I don’t believe in God and overall despise religion. They really don’t like that I’m raising my daughter without religion and don’t agree with me teaching her to accept everyone despite differences. They also seem to think that me letting my daughter pick her toys and clothes and overall interests is harmful. They think I’m completely ruining her life.

It’s so wonderful to know what my own flesh and blood thinks of me.

Here’s the thing. I let my daughter pick her clothes and toys and everything else because I don’t want to rob her of her voice. I want her to know that her decision matters. She matters. I grew up not having a voice and I won’t do that to her. To me, clothes and toys have no gender. They are just things you wear and play with. I’m teaching her to accept people even though they are different than her and I think it’s working. When she plays, she always has one toy that has two moms. It’s so sweet. As for the no religion thing, I don’t want to brainwash her like my parents tried with me. I find religion to be a complete waste of time, but I reserve my dislike of it in front my daughter because I don’t want to influence her. I want her to form her own beliefs and morals without it. I want her to be able to think for herself and take responsibility for her choices and actions. If she later chooses that religion is part of her beliefs, I will help her get informed and will even go to church with her. I won’t share her beliefs, but I’ll support hers because I feel that’s what parents are supposed to do.

One other major thing for me is if I start dating, I want my daughter to be comfortable. If she doesn’t like the person I’m with, I’ll find out why and try to start a dialogue between my daughter and my significant other. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t have a say in who might help raise her. It bothers me when people disregard their children’s feelings. I also feel that having your child help you make big decisions will prepare them to make big decisions in their life and help them handle the consequences. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions growing up and I wasn’t prepared for the consequences at all. I don’t ever want that to happen to my daughter.

I wish I had someone to teach me all of that growing up. I wish I had someone sit with me and tell me that there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t know what being confident feels like and having to fake it in front of my daughter is exhausting. I try so hard every day to make sure my daughter doesn’t grow up to become me. She deserves better.

I envy people who grow up in close families. I am not close to mine at all. I went an entire year without talking to my brother and when we did talk, it was a comment on Facebook. That’s it. My family is literally strangers to me. When people tell me their siblings are their best friends, I give them weird looks because to me, that’s weird. I have no idea what it’s like to be close to your family or to even be able to sit together and laugh. I wasn’t even shown any forms of affection by my own mother once in my life.

Ok…I need to stop here before I start crying.

I’m sorry this was so depressing, but I don’t have high hopes for this whole weekend. I can already feel the bile rising in my throat.

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