Clinical Psychology bummer

Been awhile since my last post. I’ve been busy. My best friend is visiting, though she leaves for home tomorrow. Having her here has been fun and relaxing.

I’ve also been busy with school. I have an assignment due in a couple of weeks and I have to interview a clinical psychologist and a social worker. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to contact either without being declined or told I have to pay for their time. I don’t have any money whatsoever to pay for that kind of thing and I’m getting worried. I’ve even tried contacting some on Facebook and I’ve just been ignored.

I’m pulling my hair out.

The questions are so simple and don’t require any real thought. I just don’t understand why people aren’t willing to help those looking to go in the same field.

I need help.

Vacation Drama, oh joy!

Well, I certainly have not been good at keeping up with blogs. I’ve been busy between classes, entertaining a moody 5-year-old, and dealing with a fever.

Last weekend myself, my daughter, my mother, and my grandmother all went to Busch Gardens for a mini vacation. It sounds fun, but it wasn’t really. It was hotter than all get out and my daughter wasn’t feeling well. We have this foldable wagon that my daughter lied down in and we put an umbrella on it to keep my daughter covered. She slept most of the time. I pulled that wagon for a little over five miles, up and down hill, which honestly does not sound like much, but in that heat, it was horrible. Before that, I had about five hours of sleep in a three day span, so I was already exhausted. Towards the end of the day and we were heading to the gates, I collapsed and nearly fainted. It drew a little bit of a crowd, which is understandable. Instead of concern, my mother was angry with me for causing a scene and “faking it”. When we got back to the hotel room and I relaxed for a little bit, my mother and grandmother went to dinner without me and my daughter. Luckily, I had brought food for my daughter and was able to make her dinner in the room, but I went hungry that night.

The next night I was understandably sore and stiff. I hadn’t slept at all because I was sharing a room with three other people. Normally that wouldn’t bother me at all, but two of them snore like bears. My daughter didn’t sleep either. Neither one of us was in the mood to deal with two bitches.

Unfortunately, that day was really not much better than the previous day. Again, I was set to walk a little over three miles while pulling a wagon that not only had my daughter in it, but stuff being bought in the farmer’s market. When we got to a dirt path, my knees buckled and I almost fell, luckily I caught myself, and my mother instantly accused me of faking it for attention. She kept giving me glares and would even nudge me hard with her shoulder if she was close enough for the rest of the walk. When we started heading home, which is about a three hour drive, she purposefully kept driving after I told her repeatedly I had to pee. I almost wet myself when we finally got home. On top of that, I had my period for the first time since March, so it was considerably heavy. The pressure was unbearable. It’s been a few days since we’ve been back and I’ve had a fever since. I don’t feel well at all and I’m assuming my allergies are coming in to play here. It’s horrible.

Enough with all of this negative crap. It’s making my headache worse.

I know I keep mentioning how I want to write all of these novels, but I don’t ever seem to fall through with it, which I hate about myself. I start a story, but then have to set it aside because of life and then end up forgetting about it. Well, I decided to write a children’s book about having a single mother that’s a lesbian. I already finished it, I just have to do the illustrations. It’s just a simple little book, like a pre-k level. I may make another that’s for older kids along the road. I already found LGBT+ friendly publishers and as soon as I do the illustrations, I’m sending it in. Maybe then I’ll have the motivation to finish my romance novel and build up to my dark occult series.

Sorry for the drama of this post. Have a good day!

Dreading the Future

Recent events have made me lose hope for a good future. My vision of the future is really quite bleak. As the image shows, that’s pretty much what I expect the U.S. to look like in the next ten years, if that.

We have a leader that isn’t behaving like a leader at all. I’m beginning to think he has dementia. People are losing benefits and rights left and right. If the new “Healthcare Bill” passes, I won’t get to see a doctor ever and I know I have some health risks that need to be looked at…I just don’t have any insurance and can’t afford a visit. Not only that, but being a woman, sexual assault survivor, athiest, and lesbian, I’m already a second class citizen. I leave the house in fear every day that I’m going to be attacked by Christian Terrorists simply for being a single mother. Every time I hear a jet fly over the house, I pause, expecting to hear the whistle of a missile or bomb. I’m close enough to the DC area that I would die if there was a nuclear strike and with commander kookoo bananas in charge, I expect that to be happening any day now. Every day I look at my daughter and fear it is going to be the last time I see her. That I may have to watch her die…or her watch me die and have to try to survive without me. It’s so painful and heartbreaking to go through that multiple times a day.

I’m so stressed out, I can’t sleep. I’m so hungry, but have no appetite to eat. I don’t think I could even stomach it. I feel bile in my throat all the time. I might have an ulcer with the pain I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been hit with waves of anxiety attacks and today I’m extremely lightheaded from them. I can’t talk to my mom about it because she practically worships that cheetoh ass-hat. I’m pretty sure my best friend is sick of me talking about my fears by now, so I’m starting to hold my tongue.

Sitting here watching my daughter play, I wish I had her innocence and no cares. I’m terrified she won’t have a future. I’m terrified she’ll be objective simply for being a girl and will have no opportunities. I’m dreading having to tell her why our “leader” glorifies sexual abuse and that the world thinks nothing of her because of her gender. My insides are knotted just thinking about it. I’m trying not to cry.

This country has a one way ticket to being a third world country with a Christian Sharia Law. It’s unsettling that so many people could be so blindly patriotic and at the same time spit on the forefathers’ vision of this country they claim to love.

 

Awkward Parenting Moment

This evening was rather…eventful for me. I ended up having a conversation I didn’t expect to have for at least another eight years.

I went upstairs to check on my daughter and get her settled in bed for the evening after her chill time. I didn’t expect to see her rubbing herself. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of things to expect with a child as they develop and I already knew that masturbation is extremely common around this age. It just caught me off guard. My first reaction was fear…fear over who taught her how to do that. Instead of an aggressive reaction, like I grew getting, I sat down on the couch in the room and had my daughter sit next me. I had to calm her down because she was crying, she thought she was in trouble. I did not want to make her feel ashamed of herself at all because to me it was not something to be ashamed about. I calmly told her she wasn’t in trouble and asked her if anyone taught her how to do that. She told me no. That was a relief because I know for that to be a fear for all parents. I explained to her that what she did was natural and she did nothing wrong. I just told her that she should only do it in her room, not around others because it’s impolite.

Now, I know many people would disagree with my parenting there and frankly, I don’t care. How do you expect your child to trust you if your reactions are always angry? I want my daughter to be able to come to without fear of being punished just for asking. I want her to come to me about stuff like that or I will never know what is actually hurting my daughter. I grew up in an environment where I couldn’t even mention certain things without getting my face slapped. Instead of turning to my parents for guidance, I just did it myself and often got hurt doing it. I don’t want that for my daughter. I want her to know that she can come to be for anything and know she can rely on me for helping her.

I’m sure I’m going to get fire for how I handled the situation and if you feel you have to tell me I’m wrong and my daughter needs to be ashamed of her body, calmly navigate away from my blog.

So…yeah…there’s that. I’m thinking I’ll have to give my daughter “the talk” sooner than originally planned. I just need to figure out how to do that. I was never given a talk, so this is uncharted territory for me.

Farewell, readers.

Until next time.

Closed-minds teaching others to be closed-minded

I spent this past weekend close to the Eastern Shore and it was pretty relaxing, until I was told I would have to babysit a boy that has been continuously rude to my daughter every time he is near her. That didn’t change this time around. He flat out criticized everything she enjoyed from her toys and clothes to the shows and movies she absolutely adores. I could tell how horribly it was impacting her. No five year old should feel shame like that. I stopped being nice and I snapped at him, asking him how he’d like it if someone said those things to him. His response was that he’d punch them in the face, which he said he has done before because that’s what his dad told him to do. He then went on to say that his dad said that if someone isn’t “normal” then they should expect to be treated poorly. Apparently, this definition of “normal” excludes people who don’t bully for fun, are genuinely polite to others, like different things than they do, don’t believe in religion, have a non-violent/passive nature, are “hippies”, anyone in the LGBT+ community, or just like cats (I’m not kidding). He even said that if anyone in their family didn’t worship like them, like the same football team, or like Trump, they weren’t family. They are actually teaching these things to kids!? Where’s the unconditional love!? It was horrible to hear all of this. I thought this kid was full of shit until I went to dinner with his family. His father had the gull to say my daughter “needed to learn how to handle bullying because she comes from an “unnatural” home life”. What the actual fuck!? Then he went on to say how the LGBT+ community needs to be “taken care of” and the only good cats have in life are on a plate served with rice. These people disgust me.

They said several other horrible things, even criticizing my weight and short hair. I looked to my mother for help and she flat out said that I shouldn’t be myself because people don’t like who I am and I’m an embarrassment to the family. Definitely not the first time I’ve heard that, but it didn’t hurt any less. The worst part of it all, my daughter heard every single word. She is going to remember those words for the rest of her life.

I don’t know where to go from here…I suppose I’ll just keep trying to reinforce confidence and love in my daughter, teaching her to treat everyone the way she wants to be treated, and to never listen to nasty people like them because they are only spreading hate, which is bad. I just hope she doesn’t treat me poorly because of them and anyone who can’t accept people for their differences.

My Trinity

Ok, so I posted something on Facebook about the Trinity, not the same as the Christian Holy Trinity, but deep minds on cartoons and their view on life. Two in particular have deeply impacted me since the premieres of the shows. Steven Universe and Rick & Morty.

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Now, I’m a firm believer in that the meaning of life is that there isn’t a meaning to life. No one exists for a reason, there is no great plan for them. There is no purpose. There is no magic invisible giant pulling the strings of your life. There is just existing and what you do in the time of your birth and your death will not dictate an afterlife. So go ahead and eat that cake, kiss your lover, dye your hair an awesome color, and rock your outfit. Don’t be afraid to be you.

I posted that on Facebook and immediately got a text from a family member telling me to take it down because it was blasphemous. I’m not going to take it down. They constantly share their belief in sending gays to conversion camps, taking children from them because they believe everyone in the LGBT+ community is a child molester, and that America should be a white christian country. It’s a headache. Pretty damn sure they are trying to force Christian Sharia Law.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I respect people’s beliefs until they disrespect my lack of them or use their religion to hurt others. I know my best friend has some beliefs and I may vent on her a little too much about my absolute disdain for religion…to which I am so terribly sorry if I have offended you in anyway. You know I would never intentionally hurt you like that (I know you’re reading this).

With the new turn of events, it’s going to be so hard to live free of religion. It won’t be long before there will be religious police trolling the streets, barging into homes, and making sure you live your life according to an old book filled with fairy tales, whether or not you believe in them. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that just because they believe in something, they have to impose that belief on others. I know not everyone is like that. I know of a few others that are accepting and openminded. They’re the good ones. They’re just overpowered by the loud ones that think everyone not like them is wrong.

I think Greg Universe’s explanation is my favorite in that picture. Now, I’m a huge Steven Universe fan. That show helped me learn to accept myself. Last night’s episode was actually the one where Greg said that to Steven, explaining to him that he had no magical destiny and wasn’t meant for something too big for him. He is the result of two people who love each other and you can’t expect too much from a kid…you just have to let them find their own and just want them to be happy. That’s what I want for my daughter. I don’t have this big expectation for her. I just want her to be happy. I don’t care if she wants to be religious and I don’t care who she falls in love with. I just want to be there supporting her and giving her unconditional love. I’m not going to tell her who has to be because that’s not up to me. It’s up to her.

I’m just going to leave things with this:

You don’t have to fully understand someone to know they deserve to be true to themselves and let them be happy. They don’t have to force themselves into a frame that is the same for everyone to have a place because no two people are same. Love is not conditional.

Octo-Sharknado

I honestly have no idea why I titled this post “Octo-Sharknado”, it really has nothing to do with this post.

It seems all my posts have been pretty negative and I want to apologize for that. I also want to further apologize because this post isn’t going to be any different.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling well…physically, emotionally, and mentally. I seem to be getting increasingly sick, but I can’t place what I have. I have a cough that is getting worse and it has reached the point that I’ll throw up and get a bloody nose. I get these demon hybrid tension-migraines too, but I think it’s from clenching my jaw in my sleep. I noticed I do it without realizing it when I’m awake. I haven’t been able to focus on anything either. I’ll even stop mid-thought and just feel defeated.

I’m noticing that I’ve been stuck between feeling anxious and scared to being numb. I have to fake being happy for my daughter’s sake and it usually makes me feel even worse and exhausted. I know I need help and getting treatment will help, maybe even me out too, but I don’t have insurance and if this new bill passes Senate, I won’t ever get to see a doctor again because I’m a walking pre-existing condition. That’s just adding to the fear. I had a few anxiety attacks yesterday over that new bill. I can’t help but feel this country is doomed.

There’s this overwhelming sense of dread hanging over me and it’s making me feel hollow. None of my methods to feel better are working either and I’m at my wits end. The last time I was this bad was before I got pregnant and I started smoking pot. I remember how relaxed I was and I was actually able to enjoy myself. I could sleep too and woke up without feeling like I was hit by a train. Of course, I stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant, but here I am now, my daughter now five years old, and wanting to see if pot will help me again. Unfortunately, it isn’t legal here and I’m unwilling to risk losing my daughter to get it. Does wanting to smoke to relieve this anguish make me a bad parent?

I’m sitting her, on the verge of tears, trying to tell myself that I’m not a complete failure, but I know I don’t believe that. I feel like a sponge soaking up every negative emotion and energy in a wide radius around me, even things I’m not physically near. I hate this feeling.

The Eye and the Passing

Well, they’re gone. They went home and my mom is gone for work until Wednesday. That gives me roughly three days to decompress. Today is also the last day of my break and I return to my normal school routine tomorrow. I’m not ready.

Saturday and yesterday were the absolute worst of this whole thing. I have been insulted by family before in many different ways, so it wasn’t at all shocking. I also could have sworn my grandmother knew I didn’t believe in religion; I don’t believe in “God” or any higher power, an afterlife, or anything remotely like any of that. She went on a tirade about how I’m a disappoint and wasn’t raised like that. She also went as far as saying that I’m ruining my daughter’s life by raising her without religion. I know I’ve mentioned many times why. She continued to say that if I let “God” into my life, “he’ll” send me a good man and “cure me” of my lesbianism. Seriously!? There’s no sense in trying to argue with someone who thinks Trump is the next prophet and that all homosexuals need to have children taken away from them, registered as sex offenders, and placed in camps away from “normal society”.

The amount of disrespect is staggering. In the evenings, there were people over…lots of people…and they were so rude. The more they drank, the louder they became until they were shouting to talk over each other. Nevermind that there was a five year old trying sleep right above them. There was a little boy here who isn’t much older than my daughter and he was an asshole. Luckily his mother disciplined him. He was so rude to my daughter and called her weird, played the piano while my daughter was trying to sleep, and when I came back downstairs after getting her down, he was on my laptop playing my game and destroyed the building I had spent all evening creating. I absolutely HATE it when people touch my laptop, especially without my permission. Luckily I had a save that undid everything he messed up and his mother yelled at him for touching something that wasn’t his without permission. She was embarrassed, I could tell, and she left with her son, yelling at him for his behavior. Shortly after that, my drunk grandfather came in the living room and told me dinner was done. He watched me make my food earlier and knows I don’t eat meat, I haven’t for fifteen years, and yet every time I see him, he tries making me eat meat. Then he whined that I wasn’t visiting with everyone and that I was being a “typical liberal scum” by separating myself. I have absolutely nothing to say to any of those people that won’t end in a headache. I have nothing in common with any of them and I have no interest in watching them drink and whine. I just ignored him and continued playing my game until all the guests left and those staying passed out.

This morning, my uncle and grandfather had already left before I came downstairs. My grandmother and mother were downstairs getting everything ready before they left for the airport. I didn’t really say much, I couldn’t. It feels like I have shards of glass in my throat and talking hurts. Swallowing hurts. I can barely move too, my joints feel swollen and my bones feel so heavy. My mouth hurts too and I think it’s because I was sleeping with my jaw clenched…which is a habit that is becoming all too common. I have broken blood vessels all over my chest and I think it’s from the stress and anxiety from this past week. I’m a mess.

I’m not really going to do much today, still unsure if I’m even going to change my clothes. I do have to get milk and eggs, but I might just wait to do that tomorrow. I want to wash my bedding, but the water pressure is so low, I’m not sure I even can.

The Storm Has Hit

Well, everyone showed up last night and it went a little worse than I expected. I was sitting in the living room alone, playing video games to relax, and as the night progressed, they got louder the more they drank. I couldn’t hear the tv or my laptop at all. I had to go upstairs periodically to check on my daughter to make sure they didn’t wake her. Things took a turn for the worst later in the evening when all of a sudden I came up in their conversation.

They talked about how I couldn’t possibly be gay because I’ve dated men. My grandparents fullheartedly believe that a woman cannot get pregnant unless she wants to, so I was never raped to them; I wanted to be treated like that in their eyes. I apparently was also only saying I’m a lesbian because being gay is a minority and  according to them, I need to be in the minority to feel like I belong. They ranted about that for a long time before they reached how they don’t like that I don’t believe in God and overall despise religion. They really don’t like that I’m raising my daughter without religion and don’t agree with me teaching her to accept everyone despite differences. They also seem to think that me letting my daughter pick her toys and clothes and overall interests is harmful. They think I’m completely ruining her life.

It’s so wonderful to know what my own flesh and blood thinks of me.

Here’s the thing. I let my daughter pick her clothes and toys and everything else because I don’t want to rob her of her voice. I want her to know that her decision matters. She matters. I grew up not having a voice and I won’t do that to her. To me, clothes and toys have no gender. They are just things you wear and play with. I’m teaching her to accept people even though they are different than her and I think it’s working. When she plays, she always has one toy that has two moms. It’s so sweet. As for the no religion thing, I don’t want to brainwash her like my parents tried with me. I find religion to be a complete waste of time, but I reserve my dislike of it in front my daughter because I don’t want to influence her. I want her to form her own beliefs and morals without it. I want her to be able to think for herself and take responsibility for her choices and actions. If she later chooses that religion is part of her beliefs, I will help her get informed and will even go to church with her. I won’t share her beliefs, but I’ll support hers because I feel that’s what parents are supposed to do.

One other major thing for me is if I start dating, I want my daughter to be comfortable. If she doesn’t like the person I’m with, I’ll find out why and try to start a dialogue between my daughter and my significant other. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t have a say in who might help raise her. It bothers me when people disregard their children’s feelings. I also feel that having your child help you make big decisions will prepare them to make big decisions in their life and help them handle the consequences. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions growing up and I wasn’t prepared for the consequences at all. I don’t ever want that to happen to my daughter.

I wish I had someone to teach me all of that growing up. I wish I had someone sit with me and tell me that there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t know what being confident feels like and having to fake it in front of my daughter is exhausting. I try so hard every day to make sure my daughter doesn’t grow up to become me. She deserves better.

I envy people who grow up in close families. I am not close to mine at all. I went an entire year without talking to my brother and when we did talk, it was a comment on Facebook. That’s it. My family is literally strangers to me. When people tell me their siblings are their best friends, I give them weird looks because to me, that’s weird. I have no idea what it’s like to be close to your family or to even be able to sit together and laugh. I wasn’t even shown any forms of affection by my own mother once in my life.

Ok…I need to stop here before I start crying.

I’m sorry this was so depressing, but I don’t have high hopes for this whole weekend. I can already feel the bile rising in my throat.

Nonacceptance

Today I got into a rather ugly discussion with someone on Facebook over an article posted by LGBT News of a woman who decided to stop shaving her facial hair, which is the result of PCOS, and embrace her beard. Her boyfriend fully supports her and is happy that she has finally found strength and confidence in being who she is. This struck a cord with me because I suffer from having facial hair and often have to shave it once or twice a day to hide it. It’s hard for me to talk about, I wouldn’t dare speak a word of it until recently. I haven’t been diagnosed with PCOS, but I have all of the symptoms in it.

The argument started with a Transgender woman, of all people, who called her a disgusting monster. I have spent the better part of three hours arguing with this woman who absolutely believes that me supporting her having a beard makes me a monster for supporting her being disgusting. I cannot grasp how someone who faces discrimination every day could possibly not see how happy the woman in the article is and that she is loved dearly. All she sees is a woman with hair on her face. It hurt, but as we continued to argue, I stopped caring because this woman is just a sad human being who is apparently so unhappy with herself that she feels this burning need to tear down everyone else around her that doesn’t resemble what she thinks a woman should look like.

Deep down, I’m in serious pain because every day I struggle to look at myself and while a lot of has to do with mental and emotional disorders, it also has a lot do with having struggled with facial hair since I was in middle school, as I hit puberty early. I succumbed to the bullying after a group of boys cornered me after school and threw rocks at me because I had sideburns and a budding mustache. I shaved for the first time that night and it just made me feel worse. After that moment, I have had to struggle with hiding the evidence of my shaving and sometimes it just makes it worse with irritated skin. If I go out without makeup, I keep my head down and my hair hiding the sides of my face. I keep tweezers on me at all times. If I wear makeup, I try so hard to hide the shadow lingering on my face and if I see it showing, I have a crippling anxiety attack. It’s been my deepest secret and shame that I only just recently told my best friend about. I can never accept myself as being anything remotely positive because of it and this transgender woman made it worse for me.

I’m trying so hard to brush off those comments and seem every bit as cool as I was when I dismissed her calling me a “cunt” and a “monster”, but I’m sitting at my laptop with tears running down my face and a lump forming in my throat because even a transgender woman can’t accept that cisgender women struggle with facial hair and for many, laser removal is not practical as many have extremely sensitive skin (I do) and even things that say they are meant for sensitive skin tend to cause breakouts. Not to mention how expensive those treatments are.

I need to end this here because I can feel the bile rising through my throat and my hands are shaking. I need to get my daughter to bed and I’ll most likely play video games afterwards to blow off some steam.